Life Lessons

French philosopher, historian, author and political activist Paul-Michel Foucault espoused an ethic of self-care based upon “his broader philosophical views on power, knowledge, and the self.” He saw ethics as an outcome of our outer world as much as our...

We have varying reasons for interacting with people, that is, for opening our mouths and either asking a question or making a statement. But I’d wager that far more often than we’d like to admit, we speak off the cuff rather than knowing exactly why we’re...

Some clients meander through life with no clear picture of who or how they wish to be. They say, “That’s so not me,” when I mention a characteristic or practice someone has or does. As if they could never imagine being anything other than exactly who they...

I begged my parents to send me to therapy at age 14 in 1961. I’ve gone back since then for individual, family and couple’s work and it’s always been a great help. Which is why it’s been hard to wrap my mind around people not wanting to go to therapy. As...

During one week, two clients changed right in front of my eyes. Though for privacy reasons, I changed some details about them here, I tried to stay true to their epiphanies. As I’ve been working with both for several years, I know their accomplishments we...

Recently I’ve seen a spate of clients who can’t for the life of them comprehend why other people aren’t as nice as they are. “How can people be so nasty and mean?” or “I don’t understand what anyone gets out of hurting others,” they ask me. And I wonder w...

I’m not talking science fiction here when I tell you there’s another life you could be living—right now, today, tomorrow and for the rest of your life. I’m talking about the one you create by making healthy large and small decisions every minute of every...

I was talking with my client Aayra about how she, as a manager, could handle writing a warning to an insubordinate subordinate. I could tell from her body language that Aayra was uncomfortable writing anything highly critical about her employee and she wa...

I once had a client who’d informally poll everyone she knew—family, co-workers, friends—whenever she had to make a decision. I don’t mean just major decisions about changing jobs or boyfriends, I mean relatively minor ones like what color to paint her wal...

My client Saul and I had an enlightening chat about what could possibly replace his yearning for perfection in order to feel good about himself. Actually, for Saul perfection is beyond simple desire and more a matter of emotional life-and-death: If I don’...

If you or your family use AI/ChatGPT as “therapy,” consider this warning that isn’t based on personal usage but from a client suddenly dropping out after years of therapy with me via an email in which she refused to give a reason for leaving or have a wra...

Many of my clients fear making mistakes. I don’t mean they’re a bit uneasy about it: they’re terrified of not doing things right because they imagine vague catastrophic consequences if they do something wrong. They believe the problem is their lack of con...

Jonathan Alpert’s article, We're Spending $300 Billion a Year on Mental Health Care. Why Is It Making Us Sicker? raises the question of whether we can do a proper job as psychotherapists if we’re afraid to cause clients psychological and emotional distres...

Many people are so focused on outcomes—winning, succeeding, achieving perfection or controlling life—they forget the importance of standing up for themselves and others. Is something only worthwhile when it turns out how you want or is there value in what...

Why do we seem so surprised when things pop up that are a pain in the butt or a knife in the heart? Why is it such a shock to the system? We think, “Honestly, after having such a great day, now I have to deal with this (whatever this is). Why can’t things...

When I wrote The Rules of “Normal” Eating, a colleague advised against using the word “rules” in the title because it was too diet-like and external sounding, while my view was on using internal guidelines for eating. This complex issue often arises in tr...